InPursuit

God Fills Daddy-Sized Holes {He Makes All Things Beautiful!}

“Mom, did you have a daddy as wonderful as mine?” 

My daughter looks at me while putting a fork full of food in her mouth. I sit there trying to figure out how to respond to that. How do you honor someone who missed so much and gave so little?

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 Photo Credit: Brandon Christopher Warren via Compfight cc
 

Growing up in a single-parent home, I always felt like I was missing something. As a girl, I couldn’t understand the struggles that parents have and the choices they make to go in the opposite direction. I couldn’t understand why my father didn’t want to be with us. Why weren’t we important enough for him to come around? Why were most of our birthdays and Christmases lacking that oh-so-important person, daddy.

Daddy-Sized Holes

It does something to a girl when her father is unavailable. When the man who’s supposed to love her unconditionally seems not to care, why should anybody else care? I dreamed of days when mom and dad would be together. What would that even look like? I was about three when he left. I have no recollection of him coming home tired from work and sitting down to eat dinner with us.  I have no memories of goodnight kisses or tuck-me-in times.

Mom tells me that I loved dad. She tells me that he’d come in and sit down and I’d run to take off his shoes and fill up the tub for him. Every. single. day.

Until one day I didn’t anymore.

One day there was no daddy to fill up the tub for. I wonder if I waited? I wonder how long it took before I got tired of waiting? I wonder how long it was before my longing turned into disappointment? I don’t remember.

I don’t remember filling up the tub and I don’t remember the day he left. What I do remember is that I walked around with a daddy-sized hole in my heart and soul for many, many years. I went from filling up tubs to doing everything I could to fill up those daddy-sized holes.

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Photo Credit: EltonHarding via Compfight cc

“Mom?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Did you have a wonderful daddy like mine?”

“Well, sweetie… no, I didn’t. Your daddy is amazing and you’re absolutely blessed to have a father who loves you so. My daddy wasn’t really in my life.”

She looked at me confused, “Why wouldn’t your daddy want to be a father to you? Why wouldn’t he want to have a wonderful daughter?”

I smile at her, oh little one, if you only knew how many times I asked myself that same question…

“You know? My father didn’t have God in his heart. Sometimes, without God in our lives it’s hard to love the way we’re supposed to. I’m not sure why he wasn’t around the way I’d like him to be. Maybe he just didn’t know how to… but I think he accepted Jesus in his last days and so I’m hoping to see him in heaven and I’ll be able to give him a big hug then.”

From Pain To Purpose, He Makes All Thing Beautiful!

Somewhere between 3 and 33, God has taught me the power of forgiveness. I’ve learned that some people just won’t give you what you desire from them… others just can’t, they don’t know how to, they don’t have the ability or capacity. Either way, we must forgive and allow God to fill that need.

For years I couldn’t trust God, the Father. Somewhere deep in my soul, I was afraid of the day He wouldn’t show up, too. Somewhere inside of me was a place that couldn’t believe God would keep coming around.

I’m okay with salvation and all, but dreaming and believing God for more, well, no thanks… I just don’t have it in me to sit up waiting in expectancy only to end up disappointed. 

Storms and trials, oh yeah, I can handle that.

Carrying the cross? Sure, no problem God.

Disappointment? Feeling like you let me down? You not showing up after I’ve waited? Yeah, that I couldn’t take. 

But God is so faithful. He’s so loving. He’s so loyal and constant. Time and time again, He shows up. Time and time again, He goes the distance. Time and time again, He pursues.

In her new book, Your Life Still Counts, Tracie Miles says, “We can’t change the past but we can allow God’s truths to change our hearts, and in turn, change our future by embracing God’s promise that He will never waste our pain.” (Do yourself a favor and get a copy!)

I’ve seen God do this. He’s taken my pain and turned it into purpose. He’s taken my messy heart and turned it into a message. He’s given me a heart for those wounded by rejection. He demonstrates His faithfulness and loyalty to the ones He loves, and that’s a truth I want to shout from the rooftops. God is good! He is good over your life! He absolutely loves you!

I know what it’s like to walk around with a hole in your heart and soul. But, I also know what it’s like to watch God fill that daddy-sized hole with his amazing, unconditional, unwavering, unrelenting love.

Amazing, how God uses your past to create a beautiful future!

 

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About Your Life Still Counts:

Tracie Miles has learned that God has a special plan and purpose for each of our lives – not despite our past, but because of it. She is  a Proverbs 31 Ministries national speaker and author who has spent the last ten years inspiring women to live intentionally for Christ and be the woman God called them to be. Now through this new book, Your Life Still Counts, she shares the healing, hope, and peace found in Jesus Christ while inspiring women to look at their past experiences as a foundation for an amazing purpose God has in store for them.

This post is part of Tracie Miles’ Your Life Still Counts blog tour and I am excited to be a part of spreading this powerful message that God can use all things to His glory and turn our past into our purpose.

© 2016 Darlene Collazo | {In Pursuit} My Quest

Comments

  1. My dad was around, he loved me dearly, suffocatingly so. He was part of the clean-up crew of Pearl Harbor; consequently he suffered a great deal. I never really understood him, until I understood the mental disorder post traumatic stress disorder. Sadly, he passed away before I realized what he endured.

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your father, Onita. I can’t even imagine! To be able to cherish the memories of being loved dearly is a treasure. For the misunderstandings we might carry, there’s God’s grace. My father passed away when I was a teenager. I didn’t forgive him until I was in my early 20’s. I didn’t have the revelation and illumination of God’s word to help me to extend grace, compassion, and mercy to others. Love the healing we find as we seek God. Thank you so much for sharing today.

  2. Yvonne M says:

    Wow.. Thank you for sharing. I too had a Daddy Sized Hole. My dad was physically around but mentally absent. He had no interest in me or my siblings unless it was to yell or spank us. He is a Vietnam Vet and a Alcoholic for as long as I can remember. He was abusive verbally and emotionally. He is still alive and still absent from my world. We just found out that he has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, something we knew but he wouldn’t get help for. He just reached out to the VA last year. I’ve stopped wishing for him to be the “daddy” we needed long ago. Sometimes the ache of rejection creeps back up and I need to remind myself that I have a Daddy who will always love me and be there for me… I have 3 kids now and my husband is an awesome daddy to them.. Our girl is a daddy’s girl, something I wanted when I was a little girl. Now that I’m a Daddy’s Girl to the King of Kings, the rejection doesn’t sting.❤️

    • Yvonne, thank you so much for sharing. It’s certainly difficult when we’re dealing with daddy-sized holes. What a blessing to hear how God has blessed you with a husband whose love for your daughters is tangible. And how much more of a blessing that you’ve found healing in being the daughter of the King. It helps us to reach out to those who are going through what we went through and extend that hope Christ has given us!

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